I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have aggressive nipples.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
