I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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