Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
