I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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