So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
