My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
