the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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