I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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