Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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