There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
