I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I love having hate sex.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
