i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
