it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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