Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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