I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
