I'm so fucking centered right now
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
