just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
