Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
