She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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