4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize