so that wasnt chicken after all
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
