Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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