Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
