people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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