then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
did i just pee glitter
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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