everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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