I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
