I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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