I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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