I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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