You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
