i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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