So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
