Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
