I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
