First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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