do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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