I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
