how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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