My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dignity is for republicans.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
