Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
