That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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