yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
