Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
