My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
