How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
