I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
