at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
this just has baby written all over it
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize