dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
