I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Randomize
