I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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