walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
