Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
