Do you still have your period?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
